.but. i don't want to. like a two year old that doesn't want to leave the play place at said fast food joints i don't want to do what i'm being asked to do. became so obvious to me last night that "all" i need to do is jump in. that's it. ready. set. go.
.you. see..i'm at a crossroads in life right now. and much like a little kid not trusting that it probably is a good idea to go wash your hands after playing in some public indoor play place. nasty. i don't want to do what is best for me.
.can. i just say..it's a really good thing that i don't have the ability to drive right now.
.ok. done with side notes. all this to say. i want to do what i want to do when i want to do it. yuck right?! i don't want to even think that way. my thoughts shouldn't be that. things should be different right? yes. the answer is yes. but i have to choose for things to be different. i have to step into the difference and that's only going to come from a soft place..and soft places..for me..only come from God. but apparently i've just turned into "mush" or a "softie" as a dear friend called me. eh ehmm. i want to be able to look back in six months..a year..and see a difference in me. in my actions. in my thoughts. i want to not be so selfish in my thinking or my actions. like my "ghetto" bible says.."don't be selfish.."
i don't particularly want to really "walk" through the yuck to get me to the place that i can eventually look back though. i just want to magically arrive there. yes. yes. i know. all things worth it in life you have to actually work for. oh but how i don't really want to. it's kind of about time though. so see. i'm at a crossroads. kind of like when paul was writing in romans about doing what he knows he shouldn't. that whole back and forth idea. good to know i'm in good company with these thoughts.